Being principle-centered: in practice
WTF is a principle-centered business?
Subtext:
Is this real or PR?
What does it look like in practice?
How does this work with capitalism?
First off, I made up the phrase “principle-centered business.”
When I can’t find a term, I make one. It’s a thing.
But at the core of it: running a principle-centered business means
if I have to choose between money and principles,
I choose principles. Every time.
More specifics below.
-Meera
First things first:
Does any of this sound familiar?
You try to make a decision…but your brain keeps trying to jump 28 steps forward.
If I do X, then Y person might react this way, and what will that mean for Z? Ok, but if I do A, and it leads to B, then what about C and D??? How can I make the exact-right-best-perfect decision to ensure everything will work out??
:: stares into space, feeling frozen ::
You WANT to be yourself around others…but social interaction feels like an out-of- body experience.
You’re scanning the room to read dynamics, monitoring people’s reactions, monitoring YOURSELF, adjusting your behavior to avoid any awkwardness or conflict, rehearsing words in your head, WOW SOCIALIZING IS SO FUN.
You try to tune in to what “feels right” or what “your heart wants”…but it’s like yanking on a ball of tangled-up string.
All you can think about is what everyone else might think of That Thing, whether it even makes sense to want That Thing, how That Thing might go wrong, how you can be SURE That Thing is right because do you even really know yourself.
Wait, what was the question again?
You want to be at ease with yourself
…but it feels like you’re constantly teetering on a tightrope.
I’m being too much. Or maybe I haven’t done enough? I want to take up more space, but not too much space - don’t want to be That Person!
Why did I say that? Why DIDN’T I say that? If I had just said that better, things would’ve gone differently.
(EXHAUSTING.)
Yeah?
Now let’s talk about it.
Most anti-oppression and liberation work focuses on what the systems and people around us have taught us to believe. About our bodies, our personhood, our sovereignty and our worth.
My work is about unraveling all the confusing, self-abandoning shit those systems taught us to DO.
When you live in a society where you have random, crappy experiences just based on who you are…
…You learn to adapt. Fast.
You build an entire arsenal of ways to guard yourself.
And at the heart of the bunch lies One Habit To Rule Them All:
ECHOLOCATION.
Here’s what it looks like
when we echolocate
BEING
My sense of self is based on how others view me or treat me (positive or negative)
DOING
I adjust what I’m saying and doing to try and manage how I’m perceived or received.
BELONGING
I seek validation, recognition and approval from other people
When we echolocate, we constantly look for OUTSIDE CUES to decide who we’re allowed to be.
Weighing a decision? Consider how it’ll look to the outside world.
Family doesn’t approve of your transition? Figure out how to convince them before you go further.
Someone treating you like crap? Change yourself to appease them.
Meeting new people? Map out the dynamics and then figure out how to make yourself fit.
Want to follow your heart? Or be more self-expressed? Or WHATEVER? Don’t get ahead of yourself. First think about how it’ll land for everyone else.
The thing about echolocation…is that it’s pretty effective.
When you adjust yourself to keep everyone else comfortable, you DO avoid (some) conflict and rejection.
But you also pay a really high price.
The more you echolocate, the more you…
…forfeit the chance to be seen and known
…doubt and mistrust yourself
…replay interactions and ruminate, struggling to be at peace with your own actions.
…ignore, override, and dismiss your own needs.
…struggle to know what YOU actually want, feel, think, desire.
…feel like you’re disappearing
The cost of echolocation…is YOU. Precious, irreplaceable you.
Is this hitting a little close to home?
Remember, love: you’re not broken, and you’ve done NOTHING wrong.
You’ve been doing this shit to survive the realities of being you.
And you can’t magic away reality, but you CAN change the way you meet it.
So now what?
Everything starts with ONE shift:
you’ve got to stop echolocating,
and learn to stay anchored in yourself.
“I spent my whole life contorting myself to be perfect for others, making myself smaller to be palatable and agreeable, and it felt like I just woke up one day and was like “who the fuck am I? what do I like to do just for me? Is it even possible to live without worrying about how others perceive me?
[Now] I’m more steady when I enter new spaces.
I’m more sure of who I am, what I have to offer, what is for me.
There’s a kind of peace I have with myself these days.”
- V.G. -
Here’s how it looks to stay
anchored in yourself
BEING
I’m rooted in what I know to be true within myself
DOING
I make choices that feel right and aligned to ME,
and feel at peace with them.
BELONGING
I love and trust myself. I feel a right to be expressed and known.
Take a deep breath, and imagine stepping into every situation feeling like THAT.
Imagine staying anchored in yourself as you…
…move through conflict with a loved one.
…respond to a microaggression
…make a big decision
…meet someone new
…give a public talk
…dance on the sidewalk.
Now, when you’ve had a lot of practice overriding and questioning yourself, the idea of staying anchored in yourself might sound impossible.
You may even feel like you’re building something completely new from scratch.
That’s ok. That’s why I’m here.
To become self-anchored, you’ve got to:
1) Learn how to interrupt echolocation and attune to YOURSELF (instead of everything and everyone ELSE) - to identify what feels right and aligned to YOU in every situation and relationship.
2) Develop a sense of inner authority - so you feel a right to act on those things, even in messy situations where it’s tempting to override yourself.
3) Build the self-trust to stay rooted in the face of uncertainty, fear, pushback, manipulation, and discrimination.
How do you actually build those skills?
In my private 1:1 work: it’s all about finding paths back to yourself. We dive right into the mess of real situations where you’re having a hard time knowing what to do or what you want – and I use a combination of deep inquiry and exploratory tools to help you find your own answers, trust them, and translate them into practical action. The more we do this together, the more you’ll naturally learn to do it for yourself.
In my group course - AUDACITY (capped at 10 participants) - it’s all about gaining the practical tools to show up differently, and experimenting with trusted humans! Two of us (me ✊🏽🏳️🌈 and my spouse Eliot 🏳️⚧️ - a therapist and trans guy!) take you through a concrete, hands-on process where you’ll learn tangible skills to build your sense of power, self-trust and internal authority, and actively practice transformation alongside a small and mighty group of fellow marginalized people who have your back.
And here’s the intangible part I can’t explain in words: there’s a magic to all this work.
As you commit to parts of yourself you’ve been shoving down for years, begin to feel bone-deep trust in yourself (even in the messiest moments), as you start to reconnect to your instincts, unmask, let your quirks shine, have your own back and become more and more unapologetic…
🌱…there’ll be wild moments of intuition, and synchronicities, and occasionally weird Universe-conspiring-with-you shit neither of us can explain.
🌱…there’ll be moments you feel really, truly SEEN and KNOWN in ways you never imagined.
🌱…and most of all, there’ll be a moment you say - maybe for the first time, maybe with a tone of disbelief, or laughter, or tears - I really fucking LOVE who I am.
Which you should.
Because I’m certain you’re magnificent, so fuck EVERY person and system that taught you to make yourself small.
For all of us, the day arrives when the call to be ourselves becomes stronger than our desire to shield ourselves.
If this is that day, I’m here to help.
I can’t wait to know the whole you.